GODOT

NATHAN LANE: As a kid, I loved Godot because of the poetry and the humor and the strangeness, but then as you get older, it’s much more resonant. It’s not so absurdist. I realize that these are the conversations I have every day. “What do we do now?” “Let’s go, yes.” “Did that all happen yesterday?”

BILL IRWIN: Actors tend to be haunted by this play in one direction or the other. Either they have no desire ever to have anything to do with it, or it’s on your list of things that drive you.

NL: Yeah, the number of people who tell you “I hate that play,” or they threaten you with “I might come, because of you, but I don’t know.” Elaine Stritch said to me, “Oh, Nathan, if that play isn’t funny, it’s one long f***ing night in the theater.”

BI: Godot turned out to be—and Nathan agrees with me on this—the hardest thing either of us has done. And so I’m counting on my next play to be easier: I sure hope it will be. But then I also realize you can’t count on anything; I didn’t think Godot would be this hard.

NL: This one is a kind of marriage; they bicker like a couple, but they need each other. If you’re talking about chemistry, that’s just either there or it isn’t. We’ve been told we work well together. Bill is a very good partner to have in an existential wasteland.

UNDERSTANDING

An exercise in understanding this evening...

There is much to be said for being able to understand something - without having to like it. To be able to say, "Yes - this is what needs to be done right now; this is what should be placed first." And to also recognize that it doesn't mean displacement; it's not a matter of importance or rejection or guilt. It just has to be done; and the time for it is this precise moment.

What I most appreciate is when the understanding is two-fold; when it comes from both sides; when it is not a competition, but an agreement (and an agreement even before a discussion has to be had).

I acknowledge fully that it will not always be this way - that the understanding will not always be mutual - that some choices will of course require discussion and a longer pondering. But when it comes to your friends, especially those who are held in that deep level of your heart which affords them a term closer to family than merely friends... well, the understanding comes without question.

AND THE INSECURITIES

There are some people around whom you may always feel insecure, inadequate. No matter what you intend to feel or what you truly DO feel... there are simply some people in this life that seem to water that tiny seed of self doubt down in the depths of your soul, no matter how hard you try to break it open and bury it and allow it to be absorbed by the healthy soil around it. I suppose regardless of how hard you try or how much you may want to, it's just not feasible to feel confident and free ALL of the time. And perhaps without the now-and-then sensations of self-doubt, you would never know the constant joys of having someone remind you of self-worth, someone who can lift your heart up and keep it safe from the dangers of creeping insecurities. I am grateful in this life for both the relationships that are character-forming, that are complicated and trying; and for the relationships that - though green as new buds - have roots that go a hundred yards deep and still somehow make you feel as though you're flying.

Not lost on me is the blog soundtrack of John Mayer's The Heart of Life which happens to be playing while I write this tonight (thumbs up, Pandora!).

ROWBOAT

Not today, but someday soon...

Listen up: rowboating in Central Park, you're on my list.

'NISE

You know you have an amazing friendship when...

you can complain to each other about work,
you can tease each other about scandalous text messages,
you can bring up memories a decade old,
you can look at each other and know what you mean,
you can ditch a party together and not feel bad,
you can fold new friends into your circle,
you can point at caddy people at the table next to you,
you can refrain from judgment and yet,
you can still call each other out on your sh*t,
you can walk arm-in-arm to columbus circle,
you can buy ice cream together at 10pm,
you can sit near the fountain and not hear the cars,
you can make each other laugh til your sides ache,
you can say things so meaningful you make each other cry.

XANTHUS

Love
Love is
Love is like
A boomerang

Thank you P.A.W.

RUN

The combination of waking up early, a myriad thoughts racing through my mind, and the possibility of a summer trip (at the peak of swimsuit season!) led me to jump out of my bed and dig out my running shoes. After the joys of getting to say "Mornin'" to half a dozen people, hearing my heart pound inside my head so that breathing was the only thing I could think about, and letting the misty rain kiss my cheeks - I took a final quiet walk around the lake. No iPod, only a few people, a smattering of folks on their way to work or school... the birds were my music, the wind in the weeping willows my chorus. And I gave a smile of thanks in that very present moment.

THIS IS OUR VELOCITY!

A few choice quotes from the Dave Eggers novel THIS IS OUR VELOCITY!

* He had calm where I had chaos and wisdom where I had just a huge gaping always-moving mouth.
* Your job is to be human. First, be human.
* Oh to live among peacocks. I’d seen them once in person and they defied so many laws of color and gravity that they had to be mad geniuses waiting to take over everything.
* Wait until you’re older to try something like this – a lot older, I think - but then don’t wait much longer… I can’t believe we waited so long ourselves.
* I can feel it, like you can feel bass in your heart…
* Memory, perhaps, should have no physical shape.
* This is the truth, and it's either unromantic or infinitely more romantic than you can imagine.
* Put that heave into a small Velcro pocket in the parachute pants of your soul.
* Sometimes there was work laid out before you and you had to thrust yourself into it and find your way out of it.
* You couldn't measure it. You could say it was worth nothing - or you could say millions - and both would make sense.
* She would never know anything again but abundant and unceasing love.

LOVE IN MOTION

FAITH / TRUST

It began because we were lost. We'd started seeing signs for parts of Pennsylvania that we were certain we didn't pass on the way there - and we didn't think we should have to go through to get home. Seems we missed I-380 somewhere along the way. But we knew the general direction we wanted to head and just hopped on I-78 East as soon as we could. I had no idea what road we were on & I wasn't familiar with the territory, but I had faith that we would end up in the right place - we even saw signs for New York City (although the mileage was a little further than we'd hoped). So I was driving. And I was humming. And I was content. But my PT Cruiser-mate was more skeptical. He was cautious and reserved and quieter than he'd been the whole trip. He even turned down the music at one point - a sign I knew to mean that something was bothering him. And then, "Oh! We're close to Newark! Okay." And as soon as he saw that sign, he trusted that we were well on our way... and he cranked up Girlyman and sang along.

It got me thinking about Faith and Trust - and what makes them different. I had no idea where we were at the precise moment, but I believed we were headed in the right direction; I had blind faith that we'd make it. He had no idea where we were either, but believed we were headed in the right direction after seeing the proof; he trusted once the evidence was there.

I remembered back to the first time I broke my parents' trust - and the conversation we had afterward: though they had Faith that I would keep my promise not to do whatever it was again, I still needed to regain their Trust by showing them, proving it.

And of course - true to form - a few thoughts about religion and relationships rolled around in my head as well. The very basis of religion being Faith - and Faith being something you cannot prove or something for which you do not have hard evidence (enter Belief). Similarly, although I may have Faith that a relationship will turn out the way I believe it will, the Trust will only come - can only come - over time, in living up to that Faith in the flesh.

They seem to strengthen each other.

And then I realized that I had been the quiet one for a while. So I took a pen from the cup holder, and carefully - while keeping my eyes on the road - scratched FAITH VS. TRUST on the back of my hand. And instead of getting too far into the spiral of my mind, I joined in a chorus of Viola.

WIRELESS

For the next 60 hours or so, I will be without a computer. Now, only a few years ago this wouldn't have seemed like such a big deal... but with the current state (or at least MY current state) of computer-addiction, 2 and a half days sans facebook, blogging, and gmail seems both a bummer and an excitement.

How will I know who did what every 1/2 hour without my constant status updates? How will I know what events are going on? Or when it's my turn in Scrabble? And what about my friend who will send me a snarky email called "a little some days" when I miss a few blog posts? How will I check other blogs and find hidden meaning in other people's posts? And what about my gchatting - how will I have short, funny, one-line conversations with other people who are green-dotted?

I say all this in jest, of course. But those thoughts actually did pass through my mind this morning, as I'm packing my bags for a quick get-a-way. I'm counting on it being remarkably freeing not to have a computer for a few days. And, don't worry... I'll still have my cell (thank God for text messaging!).

PROPORTION

This morning, while taking an absolutely lovely walk to the subway, I had a few thoughts on proportion. Taking note of something which struck me as being perfectly proportional - the simplicity of it, the ease of it - put a smile on my face. I could chalk it up to my deep-rooted Libra nature, wanting to always have everything weighing evenly on the scales. Or perhaps it was more specific than that... knowing that this was the very definition of proportion: the agreeable and harmonious relation of parts within a larger whole, creating symmetry and balance.

COMFORTING THOUGHT

Home is always with you
if you want it to be
and if you give yourself the tools to make it work.

TURBO

Nothing like a little Turbo Tax to make me feel like a tax genius.

And nothing like the last minute to make me sit down and focus long enough (just under an hour and a half) to finish my taxes!

SMILING WHILE SLEEPING

I couldn't sleep. I went to bed at 1:30am. Tossed & turned around 3:15. And then woke up at 6:43 - even though I was comfortable, even though it was overcast, even though my alarm wouldn't go off for another forty-seven minutes. It was like a childhood Christmas eve - smiling while drifting in & out of sleep, hoping for the gifts to come, straining with patience, waiting for the possibilities ahead.

EASTER

Last night's Easter Vigil homily was one that made an impression on me: If you are someone who fears change, Easter is not for you. If you are someone who thinks you cannot be different today than you were yesterday, Easter is not for you. If you are content to let your life stay exactly how it is, Easter is not for you.

The very nature of this season is full of change and awe and renewal. And it's also a challenge to believe and a testing of faith. It promises that there are times of happiness ahead - and also guarantees that there will be moments of difficulty.

In full celebration of this kind of Easter - and especially the incredibly beautiful Easter I've had today - I can't imagine being the same person I was before. How could I be? How could I possibly not be changed?

EVENING CAME & MORNING FOLLOWED

The creation story of the Christian faith has always been one of my favorites. When I was growing up, there was this man at my church who would read this story (as the first reading) every Easter Vigil. I'm not quite sure if he actually was a radio personality - but he certainly sounded like it. I felt like he could sell that story to anyone, for not only was his voice as smooth as honey but he believed it - and you could tell with each and every word.

This Easter was the first time I'd been to a Catholic Easter Vigil in New York, and probably the first time I'd heard that reading in half a decade. And as I sat in St. Joseph's - with my candle lit and the lights dimmed, with one friend sitting next to me and one about to sing a psalm - I heard that story again. And God saw how good it was...

WERE YOU THERE (RESPONSE)

Some thoughts on Holy Week from my oldest friend:

"It has only been within the last 5 years or so that I have really started to feel a connection to the Easter season, and I think I have finally pinpointed why. In the last 5 years, I have begun to identify with Jesus as a human being and not as a divine being. I am not denying the divinity of Christ, but I feel no connection there. It is with the person of Jesus that I feel connected. Somehow, my mind had sanitized the Crucifixion - made it just another step along the way, because really, in my mind, the physicality of the Crucifixion was just an inconvenience to Christ - a blip to get to where he needed to go... like filling up the gas tank.

But in recent years, my faith has changed, altered in many ways, and I see the Crucifixion in a whole new way. While the Roman Catholic Church kicks and screams and shakes it's fist at the audacity of thinking "Maybe Jesus was a man, who fell in love, got married, possibly had children". These are the concepts that have renewed my relationship with Jesus, and made him and his teachings more tangible to me. I can identify with that. Thus, my relationship to Easter has altered drastically - this man, was tortured and killed - and he knew it would happen, and he didn't run - knowing full well that his family would suffer and grieve and be devastated. And his death (and this is true whether you believe in the Resurrection or not) changed the ENTIRE WORLD forever.

So Easter has become for me, a time to reflect on the sacrifice of this man, and on the grief his family must have felt. And a time to meditate on the absolute hope, faith, and, yes, joy that I
find in that suffering, because without it, I would have no hope, faith, and joy. Because of his suffering, I can bear my own... and sometimes, it causes me to tremble with gratitude and awe."

TEXTS

I am truly grateful - TRULY - for friends who remind you of truths that are easy to forget. Especially when those truths require patience. And even when the reminder comes as a text message.

WERE YOU THERE

Oh,
sometimes
it causes me
to tremble
tremble
tremble

CONNECTION

Oh, how I love it when my mom & I are connected through time and space in a way that's like no other. Tonight she called me with a "brilliant revelation" - and I had found myself already thinking the same thing! Great minds...

FEELIN' GOOD

At this point, I shouldn't be surprised - yet sometimes I still am - by how energized I feel after a board meeting with this rockin' company. Even as I type it, it seems strange... energized? After a BOARD meeting?! Seriously, people. This company is great.

HOW IT'S HANDLED

After a difficult discussion with a director this afternoon, I received a wonderful compliment from him. I'm paraphrasing, but not exaggerating:

"Your job is quite a challenging one. You are the mediator between the artists' vision and the producers' reality - and you have to be understanding of both. You navigate these waters with grace and dignity and respect. And it's never about getting everything you want - one of the collaborations of the art form of theatre is working within certain limitations - but it's about how you and your concerns are being handled. And we feel we are in good hands."

ONE YEAR

Today is the year anniversary of an event that rocked my entire world. I remember the exact date because today is also my dad's birthday (HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DADDY-O!) and a mere 365 days ago I spoke to him many times over the 24-hour period and because of my emotional trauma, I never once noted that it was also the day he was born. It's hard to see outside of yourself during those kinds of times.

On the subway this morning, I was thinking about how happy I am right now, how proud I am of all my accomplishments this past year, and how wonderful I feel my life is today.

It will never cease to amaze me how short a year can be - and how long it feels until we'll get to the next one. An incredible amount of goodness can happen in just one year... an incredible amount.

CONVICTION

I like the strong faith of anyone who faces a problem with the simple statement: "We'll work through it all on Tuesday and everything will be better."

MOUTHS OF BABES

Shortly after we read one chapter of a book - all piled into the big, comfy hotel bed with many more pillows than we needed; Bella's head resting on my shoulder, Jack's head on the other side against my chest, and Juliette in-between (desperately trying to find the picture in the book) - it was time for bed... and that's when the statements began.

Jack (4): "You still have a mom - even when she's in heaven, you know."
Bella (7): "My mom says in heaven you can eat marshmallows all day and never get sick."
Jack: "Even when you're a hundred, you still have a mom."
Bella: "Maybe you could have a dog that never pooped or peed so you wouldn't have to clean it up."

And after a short while, Bella remarked sleepily... "Nobody really knows what heaven looks like, right?" (Right, I answered.) And she sighed, "I bet it looks a lot like earth."

About 20 minutes after that, Juliette - the toddler - was in her crib "brushing the hair" on her plastic yellow duckies while Bella & Jack softly snored into dreamland. I sat in a chair across the room reading my book and quietly letting sleep find her as well. She stood up and looked over the edge of the crib at me, waved, and asked simply "Who are you?" (I'm Rachel, I answered.) That was good enough, as she smiled "Oh, okay. My love you." And laid her nest of curls on the pillow without another peep.

DRUCKMAN REVISITED

Almost a year ago I got to spend a fun evening in a hotel with three deliciously wonderful kids. We're at it again tonight! I'm sure a year's time will provide many stories to be told - and much wonder (on my part) at the speed of life rushing through these small, amazing people.

HEART

ring the bells that still can ring
forget your perfect offering
there is a crack, a crack in everything
that's how the light gets in

- leonard cohen

ACHE

APRIL FOOLS

An old friend of mine (with whom I've completely lost touch, sadly) has his birthday on April Fools Day. And with a completely straight face, he would always say that his birth was a joke. Which always made me laugh. I miss him and think of him every April 1st. Wonder where he is right now and if he's still joking...