BEGGING

Sometimes when I pray (and oh, do I pray - more often now than ever before) I feel like a begging child. "Please God. Please can you just give me this one thing? Just this one. And I'll never ask for another thing ever again." Which of course, I don't mean. It's inevitable that I'll ask for other things - isn't that part of being human in the 21st century, always wanting more?

And what happens when God has plans for your life that are not matching up with the plans that you feel you've been laying for years - plans that you've tended to and cultivated; plans that you've daydreamed about and have been relying on; plans that truly, truly make you happy. What happens when those plans fail? I'd tell you, but you wouldn't believe me. I'd tell you, if I could - but I barely understand what's happening myself.

I suppose that's why it's so important to me - while bearing this, my cross at the moment - to believe in a God who passes understanding.

Now, if I could only trust that enough to stop begging.